


Three suicide letters that were never read, and the one that was.

by SassyFanGirl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Bullying, High School, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23377342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyFanGirl/pseuds/SassyFanGirl
Summary: Where any time Dan thinks about suicide he writes his "letter" and usually talks himself out of it when he's done. What happens when someone sees one of these letters though?
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	Three suicide letters that were never read, and the one that was.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is in part something that I have done as a coping method that usually works. Thought it would be a cool story line to use. Trigger for bullying and references to self harm/suicide.

“beep” The bell indicating the end of class rings out. Dan packs all his paper into his bag and is debating on whether he should rush to his next class or go slowly to avoid the mass of people bumping into him. He opts for the former. Nearly tripping over his annoyingly long limbs, he clumsily makes his way to his next class. He always carries all his books in his bag so that he doesn’t have to stop at his locker. The longer he’s in one place, the longer his bullies can locate him and make him regret everything.  
Rather, he casually hurries to his next class. He didn’t want to seem meek and scared, but he also really didn’t feel like dealing with anything right now. 

“Oi Howell!” Dan hears. _Too late…_ Dan lowers his head and just keeps moving, heartbeat racing. “Oi, don’t be a little fagot!” He hears, making his stomach lurch to the floor. He rolls his eyes and throws a middle finger up in the air. 

Next thing he hears is laughter, but he knew he didn’t have to worry about it for too long, as the next turn he made was into his next class. Staring at the ground the whole time, he made his way to his seat. Adrenalin flooded through him, causing his heartbeat throbbing in his ears. He couldn’t concentrate on class. He just kept replaying the moments in the hall over and over. That word. He hated that word. He hated the whole connotation of the word. They didn’t know him, what exactly did he do to make people hate him so much? Why was _that_ the thing people are pinning on him?

“Mr. Howell?” Mr. Brown, his math teacher, called out to him. Dan looked up in surprise to see an empty class and Mr. Brown looking at him with concerned eyes. 

“Oh, sorry, sir.” Dan mumbled and started to get up. 

Mr. Brown made a motion as if to engage in a conversation, but Dan noped that real fast and popped some earbuds in and left in a hurry. That was the last class and now that he was the last to leave, he may be able to get home unscathed. How optimistic he was. 

As Dan was flipping through the few songs,he had on his ipod, he felt a sharp pain on his ear to find that someone had ripped the earbud out of his ear. 

“’Sup Howell?” _Great._ Dan ignored his bully and continued to walk begging his feat not to speed up. He didn’t want to feed into their egos. “Awe, guys, he’s trying to ignore us!” A number of mindless drones started laughing along. Then, Dan felt a hand on his chest and his cheeks started flaring with nerves, anger, and fear. The hand grabbed a fist of Dan’s shirt, forcing him to stop walking just in time to get thrown against a wall they were walking by. “Listen here ya little faggot.” Dan tried to walk away, but the bully moved his hand from his chest to his neck. 

Dan’s eye flew wide and he started flailing trying to grab onto anything that he could use to pull himself out of this situation. “Now, what gives a gay-boy like you the right to _ignore_ me? Eh?” He loosens his grip and pulls Dan slightly off the wall then slams him back against the wall causing Dan to see stars for a few seconds. “What’s wrong, fluff? Why won’t you answer me!” His friends are all laughing and egging the bully on. Dan’s eyes start getting watery and all he could think was _please leave me alone… please._ but he couldn’t let them have that. He would never beg. 

Instead he begged his body not to respond. Begged his tears to stop in their tracks. He just waited it out. Eventually, right when Dan’s eyes were starting to fail him, the bully through him to the ground. Dan gasped air into his choking lungs and stayed on his hands and knees and waited for the next bit. 

“Reckon the fag’s had enough?” Laughter erupted out of the friends that this bully seems to have collected. Dan sat back on his feet and waited for what they had in store next all while trying to get air inside his lungs which were burning, and his head was throbbing. He fought the urge to put his hand to his head.

“He can take more.” One guy said, “I dunno he looks like shite” said another, “Nah, that’s how he always looks!” Yelled another. They all kept laughing and the bully said, “Come on, Howell. All you got to do is tell me to stop.” He cooed in mock sincerity. “Or do you like this?” Dan couldn’t hold back rolling his eyes. “Ohh that got you. Gay-boy likes it rough, eh?” Dan bit his lip and fought everything in his body to not punch this guy in his face. That wasn’t him. HE didn’t feed into the bullies. He didn’t fight back. There was no point. “Well I don’t want you _enjoying_ a beating now, do I?” He asked to his friends lastly. 

Dan just waited, looking at the ground waiting for it all to be over. At some point he realized they weren’t around him anymore. He looked around him and confirmed that no one was near him and let his emotions take over for a minute. He gave in to the tears, the anger, the embarrassment. Checked his head and after confirming that nothing was actually damaged, he got up on wobbly knees. He looked around better now, realizing they were in an alley which explains why no one caught what had happened. Dan wiped his face and put found his headphones again. Played his music and put on his mask of no emotions. 

When Dan got home, he went straight to his room, slamming the door. He played music loudly and tried to drown out his thoughts. _What is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening? Why am I like this?_ He looked in the mirror and saw the light bruising on his neck. Tear stopped flowing. There was nothing left. He hurt so much all over, but he felt nothing at the same time. He looked over at his drawer and his heart raced at the knowledge of what’s inside. He sat on his bed contemplating. Getting up slowly, he walked over to his small desk and sat in the chair. He looked at the drawer.

He sat there as time went by and before he knew it, it was 11pm. Dan finally leaned forward and got the kit out and set it on his desk. Warmth flowed through his hands at the touch of the comforting objects Dan knows are inside. Warmth on his face made him realize he was crying. _I’m so fucked up_ He thought. He paced in circles for 30 minutes. _This is wrong. But there is no point. Life literally sucks. I don’t understand what is wrong with me._ Dan ends up back at the desk and grabs a piece of paper.  
“I’m done. I’m just done.” He muttered. Tears gone. Emotions gone. He simply couldn’t stand it anymore. His throat hurt, his head hurt, but he couldn’t think of any of it. He will always get hurt worse. Every day is worse than the next. Nothing is going to get better. He starts writing. 

_Dear world. I’ve tried. I really have. So much has gone wrong and I can’t continue trying. There is something wrong with me and I’m sick of trying to figure out how to fix it or hide it. I don’t even know what it is, but I really upset people. Mom, I know you’ve done your best, and nothing is your fault. Adrian, you are so much stronger than me, you’re going to be fine. I love you both. Just know that I tried. -Dan_

__

__

Dan was sobbing by the time he was done writing. He crumbled it up and grabbed his box and went to the bathroom. He didn’t plan on doing anything. Reality was like a punch in the face when he was writing and picturing his family finding him, reading his words. He couldn’t. But he could indulge in something else carefully. He could live in this reality for them. 

For now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts on if you think this is worth working on?


End file.
